storytime

  

That evening my younger sister (14F) and I were preparing to have a movie night. I began ranting to her about confronting Ashley's ex and his words. My sister, who is usually very outspoken, got quiet and didn't really respond to anything I said. After a while, she excused herself and went to the bathroom. I decided to go and get some snack and went downstairs to the kitchen and heard younger sister berating my mother. This part of my memory is really fuzzy as I was dealing with lots of emotions. My sister told my mom about me running into Ashley's ex and his words and told my mom she no longer wanted to hide from me the fact that Kyle was Ashley's baby's father. I was shocked. Absolutely shocked. I stumbled into the kitchen and demanded an explanation. Both my mom and my sister became white as a sheet when they saw me and my sister started crying her eyes out. My sister explained to me (some things I also learned from other people later) that appear during the end of the summer break Kyle and Ashley attended the same house party, got drunk, and slept together. Ashley got pregnant and told Kyle but they were both ''ashamed'' and afraid of telling me. They also didn't share this with their parents. Ashley however couldn't keep the secret and told her mom and dad, who told Kyle's parents and later to mine as well. This all happened when Ashley was in her first trimester. By her second trimester all of my siblings, Kyle's and Ashley's siblings knew about this. Everyone, except for me. I simply cannot explain the way I felt. I was physically ill for the next 3 days and I couldn't speak to anyone. My parents were apologetic but explained that they didn't want to see me hurt or ruin everyone's relationship. I did not speak with Kyle or Ashley, although they bombarded my phone with messages and calls and also came to my house, I refused to see them. At one point Kyle's mom came to our house and my mom allowed her into my room. While I was lying in my bed still ill and just emotionally drained from the betrayal she tried to convince me to forgive them and how Ashley and the baby need me. I said nothing.

2 weeks later Ashley went into labor. I learned from my parents that she had a hard delivery, she lost a lot of blood and needed an emergency C-section. Kyle apparently was at the birth. I was distraught, inconsolable. Because of the betrayal by both, because I planned to be there and now physically and emotionally couldn't, because I was looking forward to this moment for months… soo many reasons. My older sister immediately went to the hospital to be with her boyfriend. My other siblings weren't at home, so I was left alone with my parents. All I wanted was to lay in my bed or cuddle in my bed with my mom and cry all my feelings out. My mom received a call from Ashley's mom. She came to my room and told me that she and dad were going to the hospital. I can was perplexed and asked her to stay with me. She said that Ashley's parents need all the support they can get and that we will discuss everything later. I tried to tell her not to go and that I also need their support, but she said not to be selfish and they left. I was left alone at the house and I just couldn't comprehend what happened in the last few weeks. I couldn't believe that my parent would go and support someone who hurt me so much, while I was also here suffering. Am I really selfish to think like that?

I don't know when, but my sadness turned into rage, the kind I never experienced before. In a fit of combined emotions and feelings of betrayal, I started packing my bags and decided to leave home. It didn't take a while, but I started having second thoughts and just sat in the living room feeling empty. After a while, I received a text from my sister. The text said that Ashley gave birth to a healthy girl and that they were both okay. She attached a pic of the newborn and told me they named her Sarah (the name Ashley and I chose some month ago). She sent a second text a while later, telling me that my parents and she were going to join Ashley's and Kyle's parents in going to a bar in the town to celebrate. I don't remember much after that, I think I was just consumed by everything and my memory is very foggy. I left. I took a train and left.

I stayed at a hostel in Phoenix for a while. I got a job at a store and planned to finish high school there. My parents, siblings, Kyle, and Ashley tried to contact me. My mom was sending me a panicked voice mail, demanding me to comeback. They also reported me as a missing person, but I don't think it went anywhere as I was 18. Anyway. Soon afterward I met Dean (21M). He also lived in Phoenix and had a complicated relationship with his family. We really connected and became friends soon. He helped me a lot at that time. I struggled. I had no idea how to take care of myself or how to, literally be an adult. He introduced me to his group of friends, helped me finish high school, I moved in with him and his friends. He helped me deal with my pain (I really struggled at one point and also had some regrets. I wanted to see a therapist, but I most definitely couldn't afford it). He was there for me and supported me through everything and I don't think I would have lasted long without him. We began dating after a year. He inherited some money from his grandpa and decided to move across the country to the big city. Although we weren't together for long, he asked me to go with him. I was a bit reluctant because we both had a lot of emotional baggage and I was still very insecure in my situation, but I did go. We moved, got jobs, and tried to survive. Soon after my 21 birthday, we decided to get married. It was a crazy, spontaneous decision, but we did it. I enrolled in university and Dean helped me pay for it. He himself opened a company, that took off and we were able to live more comfortably. I was in uni and also worked a part-time job to contribute. We had our ups and downs but somehow survived. After uni, I started working in his company and we slowly built it up. When I look back now, I don't think I was in love with Dean when we got married. I loved him, but I wasn't in love. But he was there for me, always, unconditionally and today I don't think I could love him more. He is the love of my life. We've been married for 12 years now and we have a two-year-old son and a six-month-old son. Sometimes I regretted leaving my family behind, but I just couldn't go back. It was very painful. I felt like my parent chose Ashley and Kyle over me. I did go to a therapist when I was 25 and tried to deal with my emotions.

Last year, at the beginning of the pandemic I received an email from a 14-year-old girl named Evelyn. She explained that she was my niece (my older sister's and Kyle's brother's kid). She knew about me and wanted to meet me. Although I was reluctant to speak to her we did exchange some emails. Let me note that she did not know what transpired 15 years ago so the conversations were pretty innocent. We talked about her school, interest and she talked about my family (I learned I had 10 nieces and nephews). I also learned that Kyle married Ashley 4 years after I left and had 2 sons besides Sarah. My parents continued to have a friendship with Kyle's and Ashley's family and to me, it really felt like my family continued their normal life, despite me being gone. She tried to talk to me about what happened, but I didn't really think it was my place to explain things to her, so I simply said that relationships change and things happen in life that make us go our separate ways. We continued talking ever soo often for almost a year.

In her email, this January she expressed how the pandemic had a big effect on her entire family and how my parents were struggling to keep their house and both my brothers lost their jobs and struggled to keep up with the cost. I was surprised at her knowledge of this as she was only 14, but the hardship was also causing tensions between her parents.

I started to deal with a lot of guilty feelings and regrets, I also just had my baby so that was causing me lots of emotions. I talked to my husband and he was very supportive and told me that he would be there for me for whatever I decide. We are financially stable and the pandemic didn't have a great impact on our finances. We are not rich but are able to live comfortably. After learning some more details and talking with Dean, we decided to help my parent with their house.

A week ago we flew back to my home state. I saw my family for the first time in 15 years. I had so many emotions, regrets, pains from the past, feelings of betrayal. My parent was, I think, relieved to see me. It was just such a weird day. We had a lengthy conversation and agreed to try and have some sort of cordial relationship. It's been so long and I am very awkward with them. Sometimes they feel like strangers. Dean and I spent a week there and we continued to have a conversation and I truly believed that we were on a path to having a friendly, yet distant relationship. But that my mom started insisting I have a sit-down conversation with Kyle and Ashley. She explained that she wants to go back to the way things were. I told her I refuse to talk to them. Although I moved on, I simply have no ties with them now and don't want to rehash anything with them. I told her I am prepared to try and establish a relationship with them as they are my family (and I truly came to care from my niece), but that I don't want anything to do with Kyle, Ashley, or their family. I never demanded them to cease their relationship with their friends, but I don't want one. Dean supports me. My mom called me selfishly and said that I simply must try and heal our relationship. I told her I will not negotiate and that it's on her to decide whether or not she wants to have a relationship with me.

She said OK. But 2 days later I received a phone call from Kyle's mom (I did not give her my number) and she demanded, yes demanded, I talk with Kyle and Ashley as my return caused tensions in their relationship and their emotional health. I hung up. I called my mom and confronted her. Apparently, she gave that woman my number to heal our family bonds. I told her that she is choosing them over me again. She cried and yelled at me that I am selfish and that she just wants her family back. I hung up. It's been days since I spoke to any of them, although my mom and Kyle's mom keep on calling.

Although I think I am right and I believe I should prioritize my well-being and the well-being and happiness of my husband (who has been behind me 100 % and even told my mom off) and my sons, I am starting to have some regrets. I don't know if I should listen to my mom and speak to Ashley and Kyle. I question whether I was overreacting 15 years ago. I am questioning whether I am truly being selfish for not actively trying to repair the relationship. I would really appreciate any advice or opinion on what to do in this situation. Suddenly I am questioning the entire course of my life. I am so lost and I don't know what to do.